Is there something in the water in the Carolinas that makes politicians just plain stoopid?

First, there’s North Carolinian John Edwards.  You remember him?  The former Senator and blue VEEP candidate and his media whore mistress - who’s bastard love child might have been fathered by either Edwards or his former BFF Andrew Young.  Or not.  We may never know because she don’t want no DNA done to find out who’s really her baby daddy.  At least Edward’s staff was pretty much able to keep their candidate’s between the sheets campaigning under the covers.  Well, at least until the National Enquirer caught on to his lyin’, cheatin’, two-timin’ womanizin’ ways.

Course, since Edward’s is a dimocrat, did you really expect him to act any different?

Now, we have South Carolina’s governor, Mark Sanford.  Seems he decided to go for a hike and wound up in Argentina.  Which just so happens to be where his mistress, Maria, lives.  What a coincidence.  She surely must be one of those hot-blooded Latina lovers that guys love to write songs about - you know, like Tommy Boyce, Bobby Hart, and Wes Farrell wrote back in the day… 

In a little cafe just the other side of the border, she was just sitting there giving me looks that made my mouth water.  So I started walking her way.  She belonged to that man, Jose, and I knew, yes,I knew I should leave when I heard her say yeah, “Come a little bit closer, you’re my kind of man.  So big and so strong.  Come a little bit closer, I’m all alone…..And the night is so long…..”

Talk about a long distance romance. 

Just how do you solve a problem like Maria?  Unlike the lyin’ cheatin’ Edwards, once he was caught, Sanford ‘fessed up his Argentinian firecracker, sayin’ she sure put the zing back in his zipper.  This, of course, was much to the chagrin of his wife, who apparently told the philandering fool to get lost.  At least for a while.  We sorta wish she’d gotten just a tiny bit madder and tossed his clothes and stuff out the windows and all over the yard of the governor’s mansion while he was working out his detente or whatever he was working out down in Argentina.  As it is, he’s resigned from the Republican Governor’s Association.  That put Mississippi Governor and presidential wannabe Haley Barbour in that cat bird seat.

Sanford’s refusing to resign as governor.  The sharks are smelling the blood in the water and are circling.  Make no mistake, there are some very hungry sharks over in the Carolinas.  However, most of them are dimocrats.  So we say, big whoop.  Let them starve.  If they won’t eat their own, why should we feed them one of ours?

Here’s something that ought to make the 81st Session interesting:

Texas House:   76 Red fish   74 Blue fish

Texas Senate:  17 Red fish   13 Blue fish

Monday was the first day to file bills.  *Yawn* nothing much overly exciting there.  Yet.

The House fireworks have already started.  On Monday, Leo Berman of Tyler (Tyler??!!) released a letter signed by of 13 members losers who support lame duck speaker Craddick’s bid for another session.   The dumb and dumber include Warren Chisum (r Pampa), Linda “landslide” Harper-Brown (r Irving),  Carl Isett (r Lubbock), Phil King (r Weatherford), Jodie Laubenberg (r Parker), Ken Paxton (r McKinney), Dan Flynn (r Van), Geanie Morrison (r Victoria), Bryan Hughes (r Mineola), Bill Callegari (r Katy), Larry Taylor (r Friendswood), and Wayne Christian (r Center).  Thanks to Harvey Kronberg for posting the release.

The usual suspects and not a Bluefish in the bunch.   Hmmmm….76 minus 13…..that leaves only 73 Redfish left to catch.  

On the other hand, most Bluefish are easy.  They actually believe Craddick will respect them in the morning.  There’s one or two wiley Bluefish that might make things more sporting.  Keep in mind that Bluefish are not the brightest fish in the pond. 

The kegger starts January 13th.  Hold on to your hats, it’s gonna be one heck of a rodeo. 

We get a lot of emails.  A LOT of emails.  In fact, we got one today from GOPUSA.  Since it is a republican organization, we thought we would give them a chance to set things right before we relegate them to the spam bin forevermore.

If you check out our previous post, Burn Baby Burn, you’ll see that we harshly -and deservedly- criticized retired Generals Arthur “Chip” Dielh, III and Tommy Franks for lending their name, rank, and reputations to a couple of fundraising operations, the Coalition to Salute America’s Heroes and Help Hospitalized Veterans.  A direct-mail venture that funded lavish lifestyles for its founders Roger Chapin, Mike Lynch, and Richard A. Viguerie.

As we said, we will give GOPUSA the benefit of the doubt.  Perhaps GOPUSA can explain to us why they are promoting these disgraceful organizations.  Even with the disclaimer that the email, signed by “General Chip Dielh”, is from one of their “sponsoring advertisers” it still rankles.  Especially since it is a fundraising ploy of the worst ilk, preying upon the sympathies and patriotism of Americans for our wounded servicemen and women.  

It’s hard to defend the indefensible, guys, but we’re willing to give you a chance.   Elsewise, we’re going to ask for a special seat in hell for GOPUSA, too. 

WTF is going on with our District Attorneys?  Harris County is still reeling from Love Struck Chuck’s email escapade.  Now, it’s neighbor to the north, Montgomery County, has a sticky little problem with its DA, too. 

According to the Houston Chronicle, the Montgomery County District Attorney, Mike McDougal, has been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.  District Attorneys routinely sieze money from various vermin engaging or participating in criminal enterprises on their turf.  If your turf just happens to be located on an interstate highway, seizing those cash assets can be a real lucrative part of the administration of justice.   According to the Chronicle:

“State law says the district attorney must use the money ’solely for official puposes,’ but it does not define them.  The murkiness of the law makes it difficult to determine whether McDougal’s expenditures are out of line.”

While he spent some of the money on computers and prosecution-related expenses, it appears McDougal spent some of the money like it was cash from his campaign account or something.  He spent more than $9K on staff parties and donated $38K to local charitable organizations and a golf tournament - organizations he just happens to serve as a board member. 

McDougal told the Chronicle he saw no problem with spending the moolah on staff parties to “help boost staff morale“.  Staff parties? Golf tournaments?

We gotta call bullsh*t on you, Dude.  Since you’ve got two opponents, it’s up to the voters to decide if those expenses are out of line or not.  They just might call bullsh*t on you, too.

The Senate Criminal Justice Committee is starting to look into what we’re gonna have to do to clean up the dirty laundry of our District Attorneys.  Thanks, guys.

Our second year of blogging has come and gone.  We never predicted we’d be around this long or that we would have so many targets of opportunity.  With that in mind, we thought we’d treat you to our WilcoWise Awards for 2007.

To the Commissioner’s Court, we give the You Will Respect My Authority Award.  Who knew the Gang of Four was such a whiney bunch of thin-skinned control freaks??  Hoping to avoid listening to constituents or maybe being exposed to a freak wardrobe malfunction, they instituted a conduct and dress code.  They could have nailed their manifesto to the doors, except the doors are glass.  Oh well.  Guess that underneath their berkas, dominatrices Covey and Birkman are decked out in rubber, vinyl, or leather.  We shudder to think what Masters Gattis and Morrison may be wearing under their dockers.

To County Judge Dan Gattis, we give the Daddy Warbucks Award.  Not content at proclaiming himself as Master of All Things Wilco, Gattis also proclaimed himself CEO and CFO of the county.  Well EIEIO to you, Ayatollah.  The only problem with that was that Texas law requires an independent budget officer in counties with populations over 225,000.  It took an Attorney General’s opinion to make him back off.  Not to worry, the Ayatollah will just have Baby Boy Gattis pass a bill next session to change the law.  He could try to evict everyone who’s lived full-time in county less than 10 years to reduce the population, but then he’d have to leave, too.

To Gary Griffin, we give the Hold My Breath Until I Turn Blue Award.  Our crybaby constable provided us with so much of our blog fodder that we just had to recognize him somehow.  Where can we begin?  As if issuing ultimatums to the Gang of Four and then suing the County wasn’t bad enough, he has delusions of taking his budget battle to the Supremes.  Too bad he’ll have to check his Taser at the door.

To Mike Krusee, we give the Home Wrecker Award.  Everyone who has had their nice, quiet neighborhood in Wilcoworld forever altered by the incessant roar of traffic from Krusee’s toll roads will remember him for years to come.  Just not in a good way.

To speaker Craddick, we give the I Moved Your Cheese Award.  Heckfire, he took the entire dessert cart, the buffet table, and all the silverware, and claimed it all as his.  When it comes to Texas-style politics, he’s got it down.  He started the Session promising to be a kinder, gentler speaker, but it didn’t take long to revert right back to his true speaker ways.  What with his shake downs, take downs, and back stabbin’ it’s no wonder that the members revolted.  In 2003, he told members he wanted one session as speaker.  In 2005, he told them he just wanted one more session.  He told them the same thing in 2007.  Guess what he wants in 2009?  Well, fool me once, shame on you…

To the 80th Lege, we give the Hell House Award.  What can we write about it that hasn’t already been writ?  We knew it was going to be an auspicious Session when Congress Avenue and the Capitol grounds were littered with the corpses of dead grackles.  Turned out it was a parasite that killed them.  And here we thought the only parasites were members and staffers sack-dragging their way through the lobby corps.  There were rumors of sightings of Hitchcock’s shadow in the halls behind the House Chambers, but it was only the shadowsof fat cat lobbyists paying homage to the speaker at his capitol crib– and dropping off donations to pay for the $1,000 crappers he needs to conduct speaker bidness.  We hear the shadows were caught on video, but the speaker says releasing the tapes are a security threat.  Uh huh.

We admit we missed a couple of juicy things.  Tough, it’s our blog.  If you have some award-worthy memories of 2007, let us know.  We might just post them.

What is it about republican office holders that think republican values don’t apply to them? 

Following in the footsteps of former congressman Mark Foley, it seems like Harris County’s District Attorney, Chuck Rosenthal, forgot emails are forever.  Especially those emails you send from your County-owned computer.  What part of “open records” do you not understand??  What part of “fidelity” and “adultery” do you not understand?

Dumb, Chuck.  Really. Dumb.

What makes us want to up chuck, Chuck, are the mash notes emailed to your former mistress and current Executive Assistant, Kerry Stevens, some of which were printed in today’s Houston Chronicle.  The emails are exhibits in a federal civil rights lawsuit filed against the Harris County Sheriff’s Office.

Of course, we understand that we might be misinterpreting those emails.  Heck, for all we know, you’re a very friendly manager and that, as a matter of course, you might email all your employees,

“The very next time I see you, I want to kiss you behind your right ear.”

Just what in tarnation is going on up in Chuck’s office – Pucker up, y’all, here comes the boss??  Wet willies for one and all??  You know, for some reason, we just can’t picture Wilco’s DA, John Bradley, doing that, even though we are much friendlier folk here than they are in Houston.

Chuck is blaming the release of the emails on ”bare knuckle politics” engineered by his political opponents.  *snort*  That’s some really weak sauce.  Yo, Romeo - who wrote the stoopid emails on his office computer in the first place?  Who knew the Harris County DA was such a panty waist when it comes to defending his honor?  Who knew his office was such a Peyton Place? 

According to the Chronicle, Chuck admitted having an affair with Ms. Stevens during his first marriage.  Why, he even told his second wife about the affair before he hired Stevens to be his Executive Assistant.  So you think that makes everything OK?  Most women we know would not cotton to that at all.  No way.  Did you also tell her that you gave your former paramour, the lady with the delectable right ear, a county car to use?  D’uh Chuck, did you forget your wife is a retired FBI agent?  

Of the 12,000 emails originally requested in the suit, 860 were produced, and 130 of those were deemed priviledged.  Just 51 are mentioned in the Chronicle article.  While the 51 emails have been re-sealed by a federal judge, who knows what the other 11,949 might contain. 

Thanks to you Chuck, it’s entirely possible we might loose yet another office to the dimocrats, who have former Houston Police Chief Clarence Bradford as their standard bearer in the race.  

Pucker up, y’all, here comes da dimocrat.

Larry Craig.  Mr. Potato Head. 

Let’s recap.  Last June 11, the Idaho Senator played peekaboo and footsie with an undercover cop in a Minneapolis airport men’s room.  Yeah, right.  It wasn’t footsie, it was his, ahem, wide stance.  Yeah. right.  Guess since he’s from Idaho, he’s got some really big potatoes or something else in his pants that makes him stand like that…

Since the cop didn’t swallow that (pun intended), the right honorable (another pun) Senator whips out (another pun) his senate business card and asked, “What do you think about that?”   Then, when his card doesn’t do the trick (yep, another pun), he whined into a tape recorder that the police shouldn’t go around entrapping people.

Notice that he whined about getting caught, not for trying to get a lucky in an airport bathroom.  That’s just plain nasty.

Then, like all truly innocent and misunderstood people, on August 8, Craig pleaded guilty, paid a $500 fine, and got a one year probated sentence.

After the story broke in Roll Call on August 27, Craig announced he would resign–at the end of September.  With the memory of Mark Foley’s piccadillos with House Pages fresh in their minds, the beltway pachyderms heaved a great sigh of relief.  But wait.  Craig now says he’ll only resign if he can’t withdraw his guilty plea.  Craig says he was a victim of overzealous police and the liberal media.  Uh huh. 

What’s a party to do??

Heeellloooo??  Anybody home up there??  This guy was convicted of cruising for gay sex in a PUBLIC bathroom.  Seems like all the republicans up there in Idaho all have smashed potatoes for brains - or they’ve been sucking down the potato juice awful hard (a twofer!).  According to Craig’s website, the Governor and party leaders are standing behind him.  Well hell, we’d be afraid to stand in front of him, too!  Heck, even the commie-lovin’ ACLU is standing up for him (another pun).  Yikes.

What an insult to republican values.  Kinda leaves a bad taste in your mouth.

Waah, waah, waahhhh.  It seems that some of our guest workers citizens didn’t care for Ted Nugent’s set at the Texas Inaugural Bash.  Boo. Hoo. Hoo.

As long-time Parrotheads, we might have suggested Jimmy Buffet instead of the Motor City Madman, but there’s no denying Nugent can rock the house.  Which he proceded to do.  Which, of course, blew out some hearing aids and twisted a couple of knickers into knots.  The resulting hubbub is nearly as stoopid as former Vice-President Dan Quayle admonishing a TV character (Murphy Brown) who got herself knocked up outside the bonds of matrimony.

Here’s Ted’s response to it all in the Waco Tribune.  Keep rockin’

According to Harvey Kronberg over at the Quorum Report, Richard Raymond - dimocrat from Laredo - is the latest to switch his speaker pledge to Jim Pitts, thanks in part to Craddick and Company’s heavy-handed threats and thuggery.  Raymond claims that Craddick is going to lose and lose big on Tuesday.

Well d’uh.  Not that we would take a dimocrat’s word for it, but by the press conference last week, our republican tipsters had Pitts getting the gavel with 85 firm (as opposed to Craddick’s phantom) pledges.  That was last week.  Before the stampede away from Craddick really began. 

We just loooooove it when a good political plan comes together.  Hope Squeaky and the Kid enjoy their stints in Siberia.  However, the people who are going to ultimately pay the price for their misguided allegiance to the spoiled and soiled speaker are all the people who live, work, and raise their families in Wilco World. 

Thanks guys.

Crazy she-mom Cindy Sheehan was busted again today.  Ho hum.  We wouldn’t really care all that much - ‘ceptin’ that, according to the Houston Chronicle she just got a “conditional discharge” for Trespassing up in New York City.   One of the rules is that while you can continue to do stoopid things, you can’t do stoopid things that get you arrested. 

Seems she & a couple other loony protesters were lying out in the middle of the road that leads to W’s ranch.  Who knows, she might have been trying to be the world’s most creative media whore - advertising her wares by lying down in the middle of the road instead of struttin’ her stuff on the shoulders like a professional streetwalker.

The story has it that her antics held up Dick Cheney’s motorcade.   Too bad he left the shotgun back at the ranch.  That shooting would have been deserving of another Texas Monthly cover and bum steer award.

Bet she’s pissed she didn’t get run over.  We sure are.